I often wonder how I get or have gotten myself in certain positions and the more I think on if the more answers I create and at the end of it all I’m more lost than I was before I started.

P.A. I know I’m not perfect. I strive to be though. Whether that’s right or wrong idk but hey it sounds good dont it. I understand that I’m one of the foundations in my family. The rock ppl lean on when they’re tired. However, you have to realize I’m human just like the rest of you. I have my own issues to deal with. Yet I do what I have to do. I don’t complain, except to my brother, I just grin and bear it but let me do some shit that is not deemed fitting or let me not move how someone believes I should and I’m the most pig headed selfish person ever. Yea, okay.

“…..Not me, not I, not Johnny, that guy, what a guy, commander of the sky, lend an angel her wings then reach her how to fly…..”

So much has changed since Easter man. On the low, I’ve been in and out of depressed states ever since. I’ve really just been dealing with my karma this whole time. I would say its a bitch, but its a lesson. I just wish it didn’t come with pain but if it didn’t come with pain I wouldn’t learn anything. I’m hard-headed so my lessons have to come strong or they won’t through. In a weird way, I’m thankful for all this. There are a lot of ups and downs in becoming a man and this is one I needed before I could take that leap into becoming the man I need to be in terms of relationships and working with a woman. To sum that all up in one word: building. What’s intriguing to me is when all this occurred, the first person I ran to, other then my inner circle of course, was my ex-fiance. I’ve thought a lot about it and I still don’t know why I went to her. She could of laughed, said I told you so, hit me with the “Nigga, go fuck yourself!”, or just simply not have answered but she did. She also ended up giving me the greatest piece of advice ever with just a simple sentence. Since that day, I’ve learned who really has my back, everybody loves you when you’re happy and generating smiles but as soon as you’re down, those same “friends” disappear. I’m blessed and I know this for a fact and I couldn’t be more thankful for everyone who has held me down during this tough time. I know I’m not myself, but I’ll be back soon, I’m just getting some work done so when I do come back I’ll be right. I could go no but this is enough for today.

P.A. Truthfully, I’m not okay right now, I’m not even going to do my norm and pretend like it but its okay. Everything happens or a reason.